Hard learned lesson…….

There is no one to talk to that will listen to your ramblings, your hurting, your jumbled thoughts jumping from place to place without prejudice, without judgement, without interruptions, without assumptions, without bringing up the past.

You might think you have/had someone that you could trust but in the end anything you say/said will be held against you. Once words are said, I am accountable for the words I said, but not in the context that another person repeats or understands the words. That I am not accountable for.

I have spent nearly 4 years of my life having to double, triple think everything I say, that I stopped talking only asking questions. The backlash in having an opinion was so terrible to endure that I just kept quiet. Walking on eggshells. Trying to voice my feelings, my experience, my opinions makes me feel inadequate, stupid. I was/am not even allowed to talk about sarcoidosis, perhaps it would have been better if it was cancer…….I am tired, bone marrow tired…….

Now I am picking up the pieces, of my shattered self lying all over, trying to glue them together, with love, forgiveness and compassion for even though I was the one that put myself into my mess, I do not forget the ripples of consequences that resulted from by my actions.

I made the wrong choices but I was lucky I  had help getting out of a bad situation.

However,
How many times does one have to ask forgiveness?
How many times must your past be brought up into a conversation?
How many mistakes have you made that gets thrown into your face?
Life is busy, you make decisions, sometimes instant, how do you know where you will be in a few years time?

Long weekend

It has been a long weekend here in south africa. A very, very, looooong weekend…. everyone’s working on each others nerves and patience has been worn thin.. I can attribute this to the fact that we did not go away, but stayed at home, so naturally I suppose by the end of the weekend I should have known it would be this way.

On another note, 25 sleeps and I fly off to Canada to be with my love. It has been quite a ride since I last checked in here.

I had my very first white christmas in 2017, I was like a kid in a sweet shop, christmas carols playing on all the radio stations, and snow everywhere. Sure it was cold, for a few days it reached -39°C but with the windchill it felt like -44°C!!!! It was COLD but to me very different and even enjoyable!!

We came back to South Africa mid January for a long summer holiday till my love was due back in Canada end march. I came down with flu/bronchitis after sitting next to 2 different guys vrot with flu on 2 legs of our flight from Canada. After trying to dr it myself with over the counter meds which didn’t work duh!!! I took myself to the Dr and was promptly admitted to hospital with suspected pneumonia.

However, that is where life changed forever for me. The xray taken showed tumours on my lungs. Quite big ones, and then everything sort of blurried into fuck knows what. Had to have a CT scan which showed the exact extent of the tumours. Then a string of doctors visited my bed. I had to sign the usual forms and what nots and the cardiac/thoracic surgeon explained to me that there is a chance of 5% that my vocal chords may be damaged by the procedure, but that he has never had it happen to one of his patients yet.

SO…..

I was taken to theater for a broncoscopy for a biopsy to determine what the tumours were, it was a toss up between cancer and sarcoid. Then started the long wait for the results.

However, I became one of the 5% statistic, the left side of my vocal chord got bruised, hurt, fucked up and I got stuck with this on top of all that I was waiting for to hear.

Finally after about 5 days of agonising waiting, I was told that I did not have cancer/lymphoma but have Sarcoid. Which I have never even knew existed!

So treatment started.. with steroid/cortisone… 60mg a day in the beginning to slowly reduce month by month. Drs reckon this should shrink the tumours. Nothing is guarenteed though.

We eventually went on holiday about a month later, not doing what we wanted to, camping, but improvising, staying here and there but having fun and seeing places I have never seen before.

Since being diagnosed, life has changed, obviously, it cannot be the same. I am stuck with a voice that will never be normal again. I have Sarcoidosis of the lungs. Being on prednisone, it has whacked my immune system to zero, so now I have to be careful of people with anything contagious.

Apart from this curve ball thrown at me, life IS good.

One day at a time……. in fact sometimes I just try to get through a minute at a time. Somedays I feel on top of the world just to be down in the mud the next day….

July 2017

spent all my time waiting for a 2nd chance, never knew how blessed I was going to be in 2017.

My childhood love, my adult love, my finest love, my sweet love, oh words, can only fail to describe such a love, mostly it is an unconditional love. It is not hinged upon any condition, in the freedom of un-clutteredness it is thriving.

From 7th February my world has not been the same. I visited my love where he lives in another country and it felt so right. You know when you know, you know. It’s like when you are buying a house, you just know when you are in ‘the’ house. It is a feeling, a knowing. That is the same as the feeling I got when I was in my love’s arms for the first time. I was ‘home’, my missing puzzle piece just got slotted into it’s place. I felt safe.

Since that visit, we are planning our future, which is so exciting. We are going to share the rest of our lives together.

Now I am waiting for a visa…………………. being grilled by the patience is a virtue thing……….

 

Miracles – Universe –

Your life can change on the spin of a dime…. That’s what’s been happening since October 2016. Good, Sad, up, down, then in January 2017, things stabilized and I was just me. Nothing else, just me. Going to work, and back home, routine, just me…

Fast forward to Wednesday morning the 8th February 2017, 3 minutes past 8. My phone at work rings, I answer and this male person asks to speak to me, I say it is me speaking. He says, You will never guess who this is. I reply: I don’t. He says it’s so and so speaking. I answer so and so from school? He says yes, I am sooo happy to have found you, I have been looking for you for so very long. First of all I am single he says, I quietly reply, I am single too, for the last 10 years. WHAT?? he says you have been single all this time? Yes I reply. He says I have been looking for you for more than 8 years. No ways I reply.. He says, you remember the last time I saw you, it was when my mom was in hospital and you were there too for pneumonia? yes I said how could I forget

He says you were the love of my life, I should have told you I loved you when I was 15 years old, now that I have found you I am never ever ever ever ever going to let you go.

Wow I said, you stole my heart away at school when you were in your cricket white’s, I was too shy to tell you. He said me too and damn, when I wanted to tell you, your mom took you out of school.

We are both now 57, it’s Valentine’s day, I am on top of cloud 9…. my childhood sweetheart found me, life is good today.

 

December 2016

Well here I am, December, sometimes I never thought I would get here, but, here I am. I have this mantra at the moment… get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. Boy oh boy it is sometimes hard to do.

I am in this constant battle of fight or flight…  I just want to run… and then I ask myself where to? I cannot answer that. All I know, that I feel, is this feeling of not being in control…

I am, according to others supposed to be happy and grateful and God alone knows what else, but, I am not feeling all that at present.

 

following on…..

my boss passed away middle October 2016. Now there is no wondering left anymore…..

and so it goes

on and on, from one day to the next, little pockets of happiness brighten up the day.

James Dowden, aka Dead Skunk who blogged on mweb long ago. I miss reading your posts, you purposely used to comment stuff that would just stir up shit…. I miss your in the middle of the night drunk phone calls from the other side of the world, talking the normal junk drunk people do… you weren’t supposed to die yet…. stupid freaking cancer.

I miss you …..

anonymous………

 

I tend to forget that on fb all my friends know me, I start writing down my thoughts and emotions and just before I hit enter I remember…. wait… don’t…. my goodness everyone will have a flying fit and know that just maybe I am really mad….. ( depends on the reader that is, I think so anyway).

On this blog, here, I can be mad, happy, sad, colorful, be clever, stupid….

So maybe you will read some sense here, maybe not, perhaps entertaining, sometimes a laugh or not…

Coping can be difficult on some days, everyone has their life and things happen, I am  recovering from being addicted to pain medication prescription and over the counter pain meds and boy oh boy it is not at all so easy….. one day at a time…..at the moment in my life I feel I am in the center of a tornado, in the quiet part, waiting in limbo, sensing chaos around the corner, will I survive? Will there be a grounding somewhere? At the beginning family is all around, helping, checking, looking, checking, looking through your bags, your cupboards, and even if you tell them you gave them everything, they look at you as if to say no, there must be more… ffs …………

then slowly as they realise you are living what you are telling them, they back down and  then all of a sudden one day, they don’t come around anymore, your back up isn’t there, you sit on your couch and think what the fuck, why bother, nobody REALLY cares??? huh?

How easy is it to just go to the pharmacy… you know the one where you get s5 stuff without a script………. OH NO YOU CAN’T your mind the good good angel sitting on your right shoulder tells you, sit on your ass, don’t get into the car, don’t go anywhere, just sit, breathe in…… breathe out…….. breathe in……. breathe out……

one day at a time….. it’s not easy, and not easy to always tell everyone what they want to hear and not what you really want to say.

slowly my mind, settles……….. breathe in………breathe out…….just today………tomorrow is a new day

 

 

 

somehow

a few years back I blogged on MWEB, when they still had a blog platform, I thoroughly enjoyed blogging there. Then they closed the platform, and my writing just dried up. I haven’t been able to find a place to blog that I could call ‘home’ to me. So I am trying this space out.

I’ve started on an adventure of sorts, all about learning words, in another language, been busy with this learning of words on and off for the last 20 years I suppose…. Life got in the way a few times and then money dried up for lessons, but I’m back on track for another go at learning French…

There’s no particular reason for learning this great romantic language other than the love of it, I love the sound, the way the words sound so effortlessly when a person that really knows the language speaks.

Perhaps one day I will be able to speak fluently……

au revoir !

 

 

Things…

Things are just a little fucked up right now in my world. My sister is fighting cancer, she is finishing off her 6 weeks of radiation on Friday. Last chemo was today. What a lot of pain and suffering she has gone through. Worst of all I just feel so inadequate, nothing anyone can say or do can make it better. It’s just a crap situation. I hate cancer with every fibre of my being.

Then, my boss can not make up his mind up, he wants to close the business, then he doesn’t everyday he changes his mind.. This unfortunately has my stress levels up to the moon. I feel guilty about worrying about my job when my sister is fighting for her life. for fuck sake, sometimes life just sucks.