July 2017

spent all my time waiting for a 2nd chance, never knew how blessed I was going to be in 2017.

My childhood love, my adult love, my finest love, my sweet love, oh words, can only fail to describe such a love, mostly it is an unconditional love. It is not hinged upon any condition, in the freedom of un-clutteredness it is thriving.

From 7th February my world has not been the same. I visited my love where he lives in another country and it felt so right. You know when you know, you know. It’s like when you are buying a house, you just know when you are in ‘the’ house. It is a feeling, a knowing. That is the same as the feeling I got when I was in my love’s arms for the first time. I was ‘home’, my missing puzzle piece just got slotted into it’s place. I felt safe.

Since that visit, we are planning our future, which is so exciting. We are going to share the rest of our lives together.

Now I am waiting for a visa…………………. being grilled by the patience is a virtue thing……….


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Miracles – Universe –

Your life can change on the spin of a dime…. That’s what’s been happening since October 2016. Good, Sad, up, down, then in January 2017, things stabilized and I was just me. Nothing else, just me. Going to work, and back home, routine, just me…

Fast forward to Wednesday morning the 8th February 2017, 3 minutes past 8. My phone at work rings, I answer and this male person asks to speak to me, I say it is me speaking. He says, You will never guess who this is. I reply: I don’t. He says it’s so and so speaking. I answer so and so from school? He says yes, I am sooo happy to have found you, I have been looking for you for so very long. First of all I am single he says, I quietly reply, I am single too, for the last 10 years. WHAT?? he says you have been single all this time? Yes I reply. He says I have been looking for you for more than 8 years. No ways I reply.. He says, you remember the last time I saw you, it was when my mom was in hospital and you were there too for pneumonia? yes I said how could I forget

He says you were the love of my life, I should have told you I loved you when I was 15 years old, now that I have found you I am never ever ever ever ever going to let you go.

Wow I said, you stole my heart away at school when you were in your cricket white’s, I was too shy to tell you. He said me too and damn, when I wanted to tell you, your mom took you out of school.

We are both now 57, it’s Valentine’s day, I am on top of cloud 9…. my childhood sweetheart found me, life is good today.


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December 2016

Well here I am, December, sometimes I never thought I would get here, but, here I am. I have this mantra at the moment… get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up. Boy oh boy it is sometimes hard to do.

I am in this constant battle of fight or flight…  I just want to run… and then I ask myself where to? I cannot answer that. All I know, that I feel, is this feeling of not being in control…

I am, according to others supposed to be happy and grateful and God alone knows what else, but, I am not feeling all that at present.


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following on…..

my boss passed away middle October 2016. Now there is no wondering left anymore…..

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and so it goes

on and on, from one day to the next, little pockets of happiness brighten up the day.

James Dowden, aka Dead Skunk who blogged on mweb long ago. I miss reading your posts, you purposely used to comment stuff that would just stir up shit…. I miss your in the middle of the night drunk phone calls from the other side of the world, talking the normal junk drunk people do… you weren’t supposed to die yet…. stupid freaking cancer.

I miss you …..

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I tend to forget that on fb all my friends know me, I start writing down my thoughts and emotions and just before I hit enter I remember…. wait… don’t…. my goodness everyone will have a flying fit and know that just maybe I am really mad….. ( depends on the reader that is, I think so anyway).

On this blog, here, I can be mad, happy, sad, colorful, be clever, stupid….

So maybe you will read some sense here, maybe not, perhaps entertaining, sometimes a laugh or not…

Coping can be difficult on some days, everyone has their life and things happen, I am  recovering from being addicted to pain medication prescription and over the counter pain meds and boy oh boy it is not at all so easy….. one day at a time…..at the moment in my life I feel I am in the center of a tornado, in the quiet part, waiting in limbo, sensing chaos around the corner, will I survive? Will there be a grounding somewhere? At the beginning family is all around, helping, checking, looking, checking, looking through your bags, your cupboards, and even if you tell them you gave them everything, they look at you as if to say no, there must be more… ffs …………

then slowly as they realise you are living what you are telling them, they back down and  then all of a sudden one day, they don’t come around anymore, your back up isn’t there, you sit on your couch and think what the fuck, why bother, nobody REALLY cares??? huh?

How easy is it to just go to the pharmacy… you know the one where you get s5 stuff without a script………. OH NO YOU CAN’T your mind the good good angel sitting on your right shoulder tells you, sit on your ass, don’t get into the car, don’t go anywhere, just sit, breathe in…… breathe out…….. breathe in……. breathe out……

one day at a time….. it’s not easy, and not easy to always tell everyone what they want to hear and not what you really want to say.

slowly my mind, settles……….. breathe in………breathe out…….just today………tomorrow is a new day




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a few years back I blogged on MWEB, when they still had a blog platform, I thoroughly enjoyed blogging there. Then they closed the platform, and my writing just dried up. I haven’t been able to find a place to blog that I could call ‘home’ to me. So I am trying this space out.

I’ve started on an adventure of sorts, all about learning words, in another language, been busy with this learning of words on and off for the last 20 years I suppose…. Life got in the way a few times and then money dried up for lessons, but I’m back on track for another go at learning French…

There’s no particular reason for learning this great romantic language other than the love of it, I love the sound, the way the words sound so effortlessly when a person that really knows the language speaks.

Perhaps one day I will be able to speak fluently……

au revoir !



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